Does your spouse feel loved?
Ashley Thrift
“Once upon a time, there was a perfect couple that lived happily ever after, effortlessly.”
Riiight. No couple lives happily ever after, effortlessly. And let’s be real, no couple is perfect. Though it may seem that way on the outside, every couple has their own struggle, and every couple has to put much effort to living happily ever after.
My husband and I are coming up on our 11-year anniversary. Before we were married, our relationship seemed effortless. Like I didn’t have to try as hard because loving each other came so naturally. I naturally wanted to please him, to make him feel loved, wanted, and accepted.
But if I am being completely honest, after marriage those things became more difficult. It was harder to naturally please him and make him feel loved. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I thought I had already conquered that over the six years we had dated. I had won his heart, so it was there to stay and we would live happily ever after, right? I was so wrong. Truth is, it was only the beginning of learning to make my spouse (who I thought I knew so well) feel loved.
What Love Is
Over the years, I have had to become a student of my husband, allowing myself to learn how to love him in the way he needs me to. This is not easy. This is not an overnight project or a one time cure. This is an ongoing learning lesson that I will need to partake in until death do us part. Why? Because my husband needs to feel loved by me everyday. Not just through seasons of life or when it seems easy.
My husband needs to feel loved by me everyday.
Romans 12:9-13 says, “love must be sincere. To hate what is evil and cling to what is good. To be devoted to one another in love. To honor one another above ourselves. To be joyful in hope, and patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. To practice hospitality.”
And in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, we find a definition of love, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Our spouses need to feel sincerely loved by us. And to sincerely love them, we must love them the way God does as described in these verses.
How to Love Your Spouse So He or She Will Feel Loved
1. Study what love looks like to your spouse. What we feel may be expressing love to our spouse, may not be received by them in the same context.
2. What are some things your spouse needs or wants from you to feel sincerely loved? Focus on doing these things continuously. Write them down in a journal as well as the responses you get.
3. Part of loving your spouse well means adapting to their needs and wants. Sincere love is a sacrifice. Is there something you need to change about what you are doing in order to express love more sincerely to your spouse?
4. Seek to find their “love language.” In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman identifies five distinct love languages and encourages spouses to identify the love language they most respond to:
- Quality time
- Words of affirmation
- Physical touch
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
I can personally testify to the aid of the love languages in allowing my spouse to feel loved. Before, I would stress myself out in making sure the house was clean when my husband got home from work to show him how much I cared. I later realized, acts of service is not his love language. He would much rather a less stressed wife greet him with words of affirmation when he walks through the door than come home to a perfectly tidy house.
My marriage is far from perfect, but loving my husband is an ongoing learning lesson I strive to excel in each day.
Looking for more tips on pursuing your spouse? Check out this list of 15 free and cheap date night ideas then let us know how it goes. Take a photo and share it with #BeatTheOdds.